


Superstition

by lalez



Category: S.W.A.T. (TV 2017)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25072780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalez/pseuds/lalez
Summary: a widely held but irrational belief in supernatural influences, especially as leading to good or bad luck, or a practice based on such a belief. The Letters for Loved ones are just in case and this is my take how the Season 3 finale gets 20-David back to their letters
Kudos: 39





	1. Street part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [If You're Reading This](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13611591) by [Sk8er_Chica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sk8er_Chica/pseuds/Sk8er_Chica). 



> I recently read If You're Reading This from Sk8er_Chica and it got me thinking about those letters again, and this is my take (and also my attempt of understanding that Season 3 finale).

Today had been crazy. He nearly lost his best friend. She had gotten shot on his watch and after their conversation, he had glanced into his locker one last time. And it hit him.

He never had written a new letter. The last one had been torn to shreds after Hondo had sent him back to patrol. He smiles to himself. If Tan or Luca would find out he had been out there with them for over a year, again without a letter. He probably would need a new place to stay. Or he could dig his own grave. Would probably be safer. He had to admit it had taken him a long while to understand the importance of this “just in case” collection of thoughts and thinking back over the operation today… It could’ve just as easily been him and if the bullet hit at just the _right_ angle, he could’ve been dead. And no one would know how much they all meant to him.

He pulls out his helmet and starts thinking about a way to go about writing this _important_ piece and who to address it to?

Could he still write it to Chris? Was it possible to write more than one?

The second question was more important. He knew he’d need more than one letter. If something were to happen to him right now, he needed Molly to know how he felt. He needed to thank his whole SWAT family for everything they had done for him and maybe, he added almost as an afterthought, maybe he should write his mom and Buck too.

With a plan forming in his mind he almost enjoyed the ride home.

His joy was only short-lived though. As soon as he sat down with the legal pad and pen his mind went blank. What was he supposed to write? With whom should he start? What if he forgot one? Or god forbid mix them up?

Somehow though looking around the living area of the house he shared with Luca he knew just where to start.

_Luca,_

_When you read this, I really don’t want to imagine what I did to screw up so bad, but I know one thing. You have been the best roommate a guy could ask for. I know it didn’t look like I appreciated you crashing with me back at the beginning and I acted like a spoiled brat all through the academy. I still consider you a friend. Well more like a brother. Thank you for taking me in when I had nowhere to go, even after I had kicked you out for my mom._

_Can I ask you a favor though? Take care of my bike and the team. Duke will keep you company._

_Thank you for everything._

_P.S. The high score is mine._

He isn’t 100% sure this is the way to go but he folds the paper neatly for now.

**One down, at least 7 to go.**

_Tan,_

_If you’re reading this I probably screed up somehow. And if you knew when I am writing this… you’d probably revive me just to kill me again. Today has been a shitty day. I nearly got Chris killed. And I still haven’t figured out what I could’ve done better. But this is not the point._

_I wanted to let you know how grateful I am to call you my friend. You have never given up on me. And seeing you make it work with Bonnie gave me hope there is a way for me too. Oh, and I hope you finally cached in that first ring and bought her the one she deserves to have. I am happy for you and please, live your life happily and content. You deserve it._

_Take care of the team for me._

He takes a second to reread his words. God, Bonnie had scared him with her comment about him maybe needing a ring soon too. He still saw her smile at that. He is almost sure it was teasing. They all tease him _mercilessly_ about Molly. Tan and Luca had even before anything had happened. Had they seen the writing on the wall?

_Molly,_

_Whenever you are reading this… I hope you only blame me or the bad guy who got a lucky shot in. No one on my team is at fault. And not your dad either. You know SWAT is the only job out there where you can do everything right and still not make it home._

_I am still amazed you even wanted to go out with me._

_I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy with him. Me being only a small but happy memory in the future._

He takes a minute to contemplate what he wants to write next and decides it would be best he stops himself now. He knows how he feels. The shaking of his hand tells him how scared he is right now and was when his hand first started shaking in fear. Back in that seedy bar in Long Beach when Nolan had threatened her. Maybe he should write other letters first. The ones for his ersatz fathers were next on his list. Where to start? With the man who had even given him a chance of at a somewhat normal life. Or the man whose advice, even if it was to tease had always helped, even if at first not. Or the man who had given him a second chance at a job he loved dearly? Even if he failed at the task needed.

He twirls the pen in his fingers and tries to start the next letter.

_Deacon,_

_Even though I never was a man of faith you showed me that faith comes in many different forms. You even had faith in me after I screwed up. And failed to be the best in the academy. You let me accompany you on that mission. Yes, I know you said it was Hondo’s call, but you made it happen. You could’ve refused him._

_You and your family, you showed me what good family life is and what I want, I guess wanted, when you are reading this, for myself. I just hope I got to experience it and show you how grateful I am. For everything._

_I hope that I didn’t screw up too badly and I didn’t make a rookie mistake again._

_Please take care of the team for me. Make sure that everyone is okay and check in on Buck. Don’t forget Buck._

_Thank you for everything._

_Jim_

**3 and a half down … the hard part was still waiting to be written.**

_Mom,_

_I don’t know when you are reading this. I can’t say if we will have talked again. I hope you understand why I had to let them take you back to prison. I wish we could find a way to work through all this. Now, I am gone. And I can’t look out for you anymore. You have to do that on your own._

_Do me this one last favor: Stay clean and sober. Live your life to the fullest._

_Love_

_Jimmy_

It was short but he couldn’t bring himself to write more. His past would crush him, and he still felt incredibly guilty for what he had to do. But he meant it: He didn’t want her to die. He wanted her to live. He never said it out loud or really admitted it to himself but in a weird way, he needed her. He needed to know at least one of his parents was still around and sort of a good person. Did he feel guilty that she had spent all those years in prison to protect him? Yes, but now as an adult and a cop he knew there had been other _better_ ways to go about it. But would he have met Buck then? Probably not. And if he would have made it onto the force and finally SWAT wasn’t a given either. His mind wanders back to the locker room. He shakes his head. This is not the right place to think about that moment.

He scans the folded papers on the counter to remind himself of the task at hand. Sometime soon he should move out of the living area if he doesn’t want Luca to find him here. Writing what was already supposed to be in his locker or another safe place.

**4 down, one needs revision, 3 to go**

A good place to take a break and relocate.

To be honest he was dreading the last 3 letters and the one he had still not finished. Hondo, Buck, Chris, and Molly. They deserved so much better than a piece of paper from him.

He has to remind himself these are just in case.

_Just in case …_


	2. Deacon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess not the one you were expecting but I hope you like it anyways.

When Hondo had briefed him and the team about this assignment today, he had already heard a little voice of warning in his head. They all had hoped it would be an easy takedown but the séptimos were known cop killers and they should be feared. These crazy Mexicans had a very smart plan and they tried to run, well take off in their little plane again.

The manhunt after the clipped plane went down was intense and they could’ve lost more than one team member today. They lost a colleague. Deacon silently prays for him and his family while crossing himself.

That just as easily could’ve been him or anyone on his team.

Somedays the guilty feeling for having been so selfish and chosen to pursue a spot in SWAT hits him full force and tonight is going to be one of these nights.

Although he has driven home and even helped get the kids to bed, he can’t sleep. He walks out onto the deck and sits down contemplating his life choices. Fueled by the talk he had with the possible recruits.

He thinks back over the last two years of his life. All the trials his family had gone through and how Annie had always been his rock. There was one way he could think of how he could express his immense gratitude to her. Even if it was a morbid thought.

He needed her to know how much she meant to him. Even when he has passed. So, with that thought in mind, he pulls open a desk drawer and pulls out pen and paper. _A legal pad._

With a sad smile, he starts writing.

_Love of my life,_

_Annie don’t cry. I know it isn’t going to be a happy day when you are reading this, and I pray to god it is a long time from now. Preferably never._

_You are the light in my life every day, the rock who has supported me through everything. Joining SWAT, being paralyzed, not being able to provide sufficiently… you always stayed the course. Onwards and Forward. Even when you were sick you always looked forward. Always with a positive thought on your mind._

_You put yourself second to my career. That was never what I wanted for you. I pray we find a way for you to finish your degree and conquer the world. I know you will be great._

_I was selfish pursuing SWAT before you could finish school, and I am deeply sorry for that. And even now, writing this I know I have let you down countless times._

_You were always the stronger one in our relationship and I am so grateful to have found you. To have been able to spend over ten years of my life with you by my side._

_Thank you._

_I know it will be hard for a little while, but I know in my heart you will have all the friends and help you need. Everyone on my team, on SWAT and your family will be by your side through everything._

_I wish you will find new happiness and maybe keep me in your heart, your thoughts, and your prayers._

_Love, always_

_David_

He wanders inside to grab something to drink and his view falls on the frames on the counter. There is one more letter he needs to write out. With a glass of water, he heads back out and takes a fresh piece of paper.

_To my beautiful children_

_PS Annie, I leave it to you if and when you show or read this to them._

He turns the page and starts writing.

_Matthew, Lila, Samuel, and Victoria,_

_I love you all so much. Next to your mom, you are the most important people in my life._

_I pray I get to see you all grow up and lead happy, healthy, and full lives._

_But if I don’t get the chance and you read or hear this: Please know You can do anything you set your mind to and work hard enough. Never forget your faith and your belief. God works in mysterious ways._

_Now, that I am gone you four have to help your mom through this. You are the support system she needs, and I know you can all count on each other and lean on each other. Your aunts and uncles will do everything they can to be there for you and you can call them any time._

_Please hold me in your prayers and your hearts._

_Love_

_Dad_

He folds both sheets of paper neatly and puts them in one envelope.

When he walks back inside, he can see Annie leaning in the door to their bedroom. She glances at the legal pad and envelope in his hands. He puts all of that down, puts the envelope in his bag, and goes to her.

That hug, right now, was all he needed to feel safe and secure.

Home.


	3. Hondo

When he finally arrives home, he is mentally and physically exhausted and glad his pops and Darryl are already in bed. He couldn’t bear to face them right now. The countless rounds with the sandbag had not helped with his emotional turmoil. He couldn’t figure out why this second relationship had failed. Yes, he had canceled a very important night for her. But he also knows he wouldn’t have been much _fun_ that night. He needed the night for himself.

His home was supposed to calm his running thoughts down. When he steps through the door the smell of his father’s cooking still lingers in the kitchen and leads him to his cookbooks. As if on autopilot, he pulls out the one about the Louisiana kitchen. The book falls open to the page where an off white envelope lies. The name Jessica Cortez is scribbled on it.

With a sad smile, he drops the book on the counter and takes the letter with him. Taking a seat on his sofa.

He stares at the offending object in his hands and slowly starts to open the envelope. He still knows what he wrote in this version. They had been happy back then. Buck was still team leader. Nothing had complicated their love. Was she still the reason his relationships didn’t work out?

He doesn’t read the folded paper, but simply rips it into tiny little shreds which then land in the trash.

He can’t say right now if he will write another letter to her, but there are two he needs to write. To the two men currently sleeping in this house.

In one of the cabinets, he finds a stack of paper and a pen.

_Daryl,_

_You know you’ve been named after a friend of your dads and mine. The first of us to die._

_Even if he chose a path in life that wasn’t mine, he still was a good friend and we experienced a lot together._

_I know it is frustrating that you don’t get to see your kid as often and as long as you like but you showed growth. You showed a drive to contribute to your child’s life and I hope you get to spend many days with your son. You deserve that._

_You worked hard._

_You have overcome a life-threatening event. You survived. You endured physical therapy and you thrive now. As stupid as it may sound: Always look on the bright side._

_You got this._

_And if you read this, I am sure you still have a great support system in Winnie and the rest of my family._

_Hondo_

It wasn’t great. But it was a first attempt at putting some words of wisdom and encouragement on paper for the young man whose life had been riddled with problems. Stemming from his upbringing and the misconceptions of who he _had_ to be because of his parents. Hondo admired Daryl for taking on the challenge, even if he was reluctant at first. The young teenage boy, always looking for trouble and aspiring to be like his father had matured and turned into a young man. On the verge of fighting for his parental rights.

A small smile graces Hondo’s face. He is proud of Daryl. Proud of what he and his mom have accomplished with the boy.

A small voice in the back of his mind reminds him that his father also had a part in how Daryl has developed. Despite everything that he had expected to happen. The work these two had done on the classic car had bonded them and taught Daryl responsibility. Hondo smiles at the thought of Daryl coming to him to express his concern about the old man’s health.

He pulls the next clear paper to the front and starts writing.

_Pops,_

_I know we haven’t seen eye to eye for a long time and I was less than welcoming when you first showed up again in this house. At first you were an inconvenience and I wanted to keep mom safe._

_I’ll keep an eye on that even if I am gone. Keep that in mind. Do not hurt my mama. I don’t want to see her cry again._

_I guess mom is right, you have changed, and I haven’t looked close enough, but now I can see it. You have been a positive influence on Daryl, have thought him to apply himself. And it worked even if your methods were not my style._

_You have his best interest at heart, and I pray you will continue to do so when you are reading this._

_Because if you are reading this I am gone. And my family will need you. That includes Winnie, Dee, mom, and Daryl. All of them will need you._

_It is up to you to keep the family sane and safe. Keep Daryl on the right track and make sure he gets to see that baby of his as often as possible._

_Your son_

_Daniel_

It felt good to write this out. He puts both letters in their respective envelopes and reminds himself that he might need to amend the one for his mother soon too.

While cleaning up his eyes fall in the direction of the trash bin and once again his mind starts to wander.

He had dated after Jessica, there was no sense in jeopardizing both their careers, well mostly hers over them. But he hadn’t even thought about writing a letter to Nichelle. Why was that?

In his heart, he knew why. It was also why he had probably felt the insane need to test out how she would react to him shutting down after a hard day. It certainly hadn’t been as hard as the day the had searched for Buck. One of the most important men in his life. A mentor and a friend. But it had been hard. One of their own and his loved ones had been in danger once again. They had stopped it, but it had shown him how important it is to have that support system. The people in your life will need to put their life second and that would not happen with her. She was driven and passionate and he loved that, but it wouldn’t work. A sad, understanding smile forms on his face. He finally understood why she walked away. She had realized it before he had.

His mind wanders back to Jessica Cortez. The only one that had understood him. She was the one, whose letter he had ripped up.

He should probably not write her a new one though. She had moved on and he was _is_ happy for her.

Maybe after a good night's sleep. Maybe then he can make a clear decision if he still feels the need to write it out. Maybe the breakup tonight had made him too emotional.

There were just too many question marks in his head right now.


	4. Chris

As soon as she walks into the house and hears her family moving around, setting the table, chatting lively she feels a wave of relaxation hit her. But at the same time, she feels strangely lonely and somewhat out of place. She surprised herself there with the choice of words when she told Street if he had a normal life, he wouldn’t have met her. _Why did I do that?_

If she is being honest with herself, she knows exactly why she said it. She wanted him to know she still cares.

After dinner and a lot of fussing from everyone she is finally alone again. In the solitude of her room she pulls out pen and paper.

The pen tips against the paper but she stops immediately. How should she start this?

She never calls him Jim. Only Street. But is that appropriate in this? She leaves it blank for now.

_I could’ve died today. And that made me realize I would’ve died without you knowing something very important. You are my friend. My best friend. Even if I have been weird, mean and distant you never gave up on me. I need you to know how sorry I am for everything I did to you. You were always supportive. Even yesterday. My heart soared, when you told me you are proud of me, but I don’t deserve your friendship. You were always a good friend and I wasn’t._

_I need you to know regardless: I never meant to hurt you._

_Well at the beginning maybe. I even asked Hondo about it when he first started sending us on assignments together. You were so obnoxious, but you showed me pretty quickly that was all a façade. You let me in. And I always acted guarded around you._

_And to be absolutely honest, yes, I even gave up on you. I was hurt when you seemingly chose Nate over SWAT. Over me. After everything we had been through together to get you back on the team. I believed you wanted nothing to do with me when you threw us out of the apartment in Long Beach and didn’t return my texts. I couldn’t even fault you for that. If it had been true it had all been on me._

_Do you have any idea how that felt?_

_I couldn’t just go back to being your friend. Something in me had broken._

_But that’s not the main thing that scares me while writing this. Do you even know you were the first, and only person, I wanted to call and talk to when I had moved out of Ty and Kira’s place?_

_It was stupid. I should’ve known you were busy. I am glad you found your happiness and I hope we can find a way to be friends again. Real friends who actually talk to each other._

_I told you today, if you had a normal life you’d never met me but what I really wanted to say, as stupid as it sounds: I would have never met you. And that would leave a hole in my heart._

_I don’t know yet if I ever will get a chance to tell you this in person, probably not. But I need to get it out, so I can actually try to be your friend again._

_I love you._

She needs to let go of the pen and pushes the paper a little further up the table. Did she really just write that? Could she put this letter in her locker? Could she really do this to him?

She decides to skip the carousel in her head. And just write the second letter that has been burning in her mind. The one for her goddaughter. The girl she just barely met. A short thought goes to the version for her family, but that has all she needs to say in it already.

But the one for Victoria and in extension Deacon and Annie, that’s the one she really needs to write too.

_Deacon and Annie,_

_Yes, I know his name is David, but it feels strange using it. Even after you have welcomed me into your family. The trust you both have placed on me in making me Victoria’s godmother. I can’t put it in words how much that means to me._

_When you are reading this, even though I hope you never have to, I’ll be gone._

_I hope I have shown you how much I appreciate you and your friendship. You are truly part of my family in every way. You opened your house to me when I was lost, even if you didn’t fully support my life choices. You didn’t hold them against me when I was in need._

_Thank you for that and everything else you have taught me over the years._

_I hope it is okay, but I included a little letter for Victoria._

_I’ll let you decide if she is ready to read this or not._

_Chris_

She pulls out an envelope and neatly puts _To the Kay family_ on the front. A second, slightly smaller envelope gets only the name _Victoria_ on it.

She knows she wants to write some words of wisdom to her little goddaughter but what? Right now, the tiny girl is too young to even grasp the concept of a godmother. Maybe in the future but right now?

Still she gets an idea, and just hopes that these lines will be delivered.

_Victoria,_

_You are a tiny baby when I am writing these words, but you have already had an eventful life._

_You are a fighter just like your parents and I wish I get to see you grow up and show everyone just how amazing you are._

_I know your dad will always keep you safe and if you ever need someone to share a secret with: Tell it to me._

_I will love you forever._

_Your godmother_

_Chris_

After putting the letter in its chosen envelope and sealing it in she pulls out the previous letter again.

She reads it through multiple times and finds the perfect beginning and end to it.

_Hey,_

_…_

_I love you Jim Street._

_Don’t be mad at me. I had to get it off my chest, even if you are only reading this after I am gone._

_You are happy; I know and respect that. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Be happy and enjoy your life._

_Someday, in the future I am just a memory. A former colleague and a friend._

_Chris_

She puts down the pen and lets out a deep breath. She quickly folds up the paper and puts it in the envelope. His name is on the outside and in that moment, she realizes, she can’t put this in her locker. At least not yet. For now, her words will stay right here, with her. In her nightstand.

And she needs to start to _actively_ repair their relationship.


	5. Tan

Tonight, after arriving home and hugging Bonnie as close and long as possible a horrible realization hit him. He had given Street so much shit for not having a letter in his locker back when the other man had started out on their team, but somehow, he wasn’t really better right now. Yes, he had one letter in his locker, for his mom. But not for Bonnie.

He sat Bonnie down and explained the importance and the concept of the letters. He could see on her face that the thought of losing him scared her and he couldn’t bare that look. He tried his best to calm her down and the mantra of _“Just in case“_ left his mouth probably a thousand times.

The next morning, he had to usher her out the door, as she tried to stay home with him after the horrid shift, he had the day before. But in the end, she understood he’d need a couple of hours just to himself.

When he finally feels ready, he pulls out pen and paper.

_Bonnie,_

_From the very first moment I met you I wanted to spend as much time as possible with you._

_You are my home, my everything. Always._

_I told you very early, that I want to end up with you and I am beyond happy you accepted my very fumbled proposal. I had a beautiful plan as you can imagine. But the spontaneity is much more you and therefore it was probably perfect._

_Last night I explained to you why we keep these letters. I want you to know I can’t imagine growing old with anyone else. I love you and when you are really reading this… I really don’t want to imagine that but if it happens: remember SWAT is family. They all will be there for you, as well as my mom. Who by the way seems to love you more than me._

_I hope I got the chance to actually marry you, give you the bracelets my mom kept for the wedding. They are a tradition in my, our, family. When you wear them remember me as the man you fell in love with._

_From the bottom of my heart,_

_Love always,_

_Victor_

He needs to take a break and actually turns the page over. The idea of him dying before he gets to experience the joy of marrying Bonnie or having a family with her scares him.

Yesterday had shown him full force how easy you could lose your life on the job. His mind flashes back to that moment in Black Betty, when he had furiously tried to keep the other officer alive. They had failed. The patrol officer had been too badly wounded and that by far wasn’t the only hard moment yesterday.

He had learned, once again, that no day was easy. No outcome was certain, and they had been lucky to get to Chris and Street in time. Find both of them alive.

He closes his eyes and thinks about his coping mechanism. Could he burden Bonnie with all this? His darker thoughts? His fears?

As if on cue the memory of his proposal and her words springs to the forefront of his mind:

_You can handle anything life can throw at us._

She believes in him. He should lean on her. And starting today he would.


	6. Luca

Barely back in the field, Black Betty gets clipped by a plane and Chris and Street in an ambush. What a day. It was supposed to be easy. A planned take down. And what happens? All hell breaks loose because the Mexicans try to take off again, have their big boss with them and hide out in South LA.

What a day.

It had gotten him thinking. Had it really been the right decision to go back to the field? The day certainly hadn’t pulled any punches.

He couldn’t deny it had felt great to be helpful again. To be back to driving and being with his team. Out there. But still… today so much went wrong and it could’ve been way worse.

His mind flashes back to that moment when they all had gotten the call about Street and Chris being under siege. Massively outgunned, running out of amo and all alone.

The look he and Tan had shared as they raced to the address. He knew his face probably showed the same fear as his teammates. Back then he had feared he lost his roommate and friend. And the woman all of them were so highly protective of. The little sister he never had.

With a slight chuckle he shakes his head. There is _was?_ At least one of them on the team who didn’t think about her like a sister.

His mind wanders back a little further while he is looking for paper. _Where did the damn pad go?_ After a little while he just turns over one of the many flyers he has pinned to the fridge. _Just to make a draft._

_Dad,_

_Do you remember the notes in pops diary? How he never wanted me to become a cop? I have thought about that a whole lot. And I guess you were right. It was a dark time and he wished for all of us to be safe and as far away from the danger as possible. In a way he got his wish with Terry. He chose a different profession. And still he is drawn to crime scenes._

_I guess it is in our blood to keep the city, the people we love safe or document the injustice out there._

_I told you this back then already: I wanted to be you. Be as brilliant as you and pops. To have as great a career as you had._

_With this hip and back injury, I have thankfully recovered from I don’t know how long I can stay on active duty. Maybe this letter will never get read, since I am riding a desk in the near future. You never know._

_One thing is clear: When I started writing this I was debating if it had been the right choice to fight for active duty status. Now I am sure it was. I need to be there for all the people I love._

_That includes Kelly and her mom Tuana. I’ve been helping Kelly with her reading. She is dyslexic like me and she deserves to be treated well. Encouraged to go after her dreams._

_Her spirit is what made me take the final piece of my PFQ in time to join the team and prevent more harm._

_If you ever read this, please make sure everyone in my life remembers me for the good things. Don’t dwell on the negative aspects._

_Celebrate with good food… I know a great Guatemalan food truck that needs support._

_Thank you, Dad._

_For everything._

_Dom_

It’s definitely not all he wants to tell his dad. Barely scraping the first layer. There is still so much left unsaid, but this has to suffice for now.

He has a will sat back in this room. He will include more there. Today is for regeneration and spending the day with his dad.

He grabs his phone, dials his brother first and it is set.

The Luca’s are spending the day together.


	7. Street Part 2

After a good night sleep, he feels finally ready to start the final letters he wants to have in his locker. Thankfully, they have the day off today, so he can take his time and really think what he wants to tell these four persons when he is gone.

The somber thought is offset by the bright light the sunshine provides and so he wanders into the kitchen to grab some coffee and then retreat back to his room.

_Buck,_

_I think I can never express how much meeting you has changed my life._

_There is no way to say where I would’ve ended up if I hadn’t told you the truth about what happened. Would I even be still alive? Well not when you read this but I hope you understand what I want to say._

_I probably wouldn’t have had a role model like you. No drive to become a cop and although I am fairly certain I’d know some cops by name._

_You gave my life a purpose and with your help I got on SWAT. I will be forever grateful for that chance. Even if I messed it up the first time around._

_You taught me that I have to apply myself to be taken seriously and accomplish something. And I did._

_I hope you will never have to read this but if you do: Please don’t shut Hondo and the team out. They will be there for you. And they will need you to be there for them._

_One last favor: Can you check in on my mom, too?_

_Thank you for changing my life_

_Jim_

He folds the paper. It somehow doesn’t feel enough. A piece of paper is supposed to be all that’s left of him. He hopes that if it ever gets to that moment that Buck really has that support system. That man was in many ways the only _good_ father figure he had growing up.

With a sigh he grabs the next paper. Writing these letters gets increasingly harder.

_Hondo_

_I need to say thank you in this._

_You were right to kick me out when you did. I had no idea what the SWAT family meant to me and took you all for granted. I needed that lesson, even if I didn’t appreciate it at first._

_I learned how important the team is to me and I just hope I could express that before you read this. But still just in case:_

_Thank you._

_For showing me I can depend on you. For trusting me. For getting me back in. For every opportunity since. For your help with Nate, even if it didn’t work out as hoped._

_Again, thank you for everything._

_Whichever way I died, I hope it wasn’t because I screwed up again. And if I did: it wasn’t because of you. You did everything for me and I just hope I didn’t disappoint you._

_Please look out for the others._

_Jim Street_

With each letter it seems words aren’t enough. But this is important. He needs to finish these. Maybe in the future he will rewrite them but for now, it has to suffice.

They are after all just in case…

He takes a deep breath and takes stock of the envelopes and loose paper in front of him.

A half-written letter and a blank page lie before him still. Is it a bad sign that he dreads writing these two letters? He pulls the started page to him and reads over it. As if on cue his hands start shaking slightly. Losing her is one of his biggest fears. Hurting her the other.

_Molly_

_Whenever you are reading this… I hope you only blame me or the bad guy who got a lucky shot in. No one on my team is at fault. And not your dad either. You know SWAT is the only job out there where you can do everything right and still not make it home._

_I am still amazed you even wanted to go out with me. I mean, you remember how I told you about the guys and their teasing? I wasn’t exactly celibate when I started at SWAT and you must’ve heard that I was kicked out at one point. I am the resident screw up around here._

_But you chose to go out with me. I was so stunned after our first date. I never want to lose you or hurt you. And I hope I got to show you how much you mean to me before you read this. Which is hopefully never._

_But just in case:_

_I need you to know how much you mean to me. I pray I get to say this to you in person before you read it. I think I have fallen so deep, a simple I love you is not enough, but they are the only words I have right now: I love you._

_Please remember that when ever you read this. I never wanted to hurt you. Never. And for your future now:_

_I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy with him. Me being only a small but happy memory in the future._

_Jim_

He thinks back to the day of the little _treasure hunt_ the team had to conduct. He had felt bad then for burdening Molly with his problems and when she had asked if he wanted to break up. He had been such an idiot. She was right about that. He wanted to work through his pain on his own, like he had always done but that wasn’t the point of being in a relationship. He can see her smile in his mind and involuntarily one forms on his lips. He takes it as a good sign and seals the letter in its envelope.

That leaves him with one final letter to write. Strangely enough it’s the one that he has been dreading the most. Why did this have to be so hard?

Back when he first learned about the practice, he hadn’t had anyone to write to and Chris suggested to write to her. They had been good friends back then. What were they now? Maybe writing his feelings out could clear the confusion in his head. Especially with how things ended yesterday. He couldn’t read her anymore. Something had fundamentally changed.

_Chris_

_Starting this letter sends me back to when I wrote the first one. Just after you forced me to address it to you. This time around it’s even more complicated and I just don’t know what I am supposed to write in here._

_Am I even allowed to still write to you? I mean you said we are okay, but it doesn’t feel like it. Not yet anyway._

_I still don’t get how one moment could change everything. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that night and do something else. As crazy as it sounds, I wouldn’t not kiss you but after. I shouldn’t have let you leave without talking this through. I should have fought harder for our friendship. For us._

_For the longest time I played the what if game. What if I had fought harder? And to be completely honest: The last few days I actually did._

_We were back to being friends. Ever since I started dating Molly, you warmed up again. For lack of a better word._

_Yes, it surprised me you were more or less responsible for that happening. And I questioned your motive for that. To be honest, I still do._

_What is going on with us? Are we friends? Or still just teammates? I hope we manage to work through what ever this is right now. I need you._

_It felt weird today. Nearly losing you. When you went down… I think my heart stopped for a second._

_Thank god you made it out. I couldn’t bare losing you. Especially not on my watch._

_You are my best friend. The one who always was there for me._

_Thank you seems so inadequate, but it is the only thing I can say._

_So, thank you for being my guiding light, my confidante, my best friend._

_Jim_

He puts the pen down.

Is that what he wants her to read?

He actually wants to talk to her about it but isn’t sure she would be giving him that chance.

He shakes his head.

It is a beautiful day outside and they are off. Enough dwelling he decides, grabs his keys and his bike and heads out onto the highway.

Just for fun.


End file.
